Hey Brooklyn. Don’t let that sweet summertime slip through your fingertips. I’ve found all the best ways to hold onto every last moment right here in your weekend guide.
Get a grip. Grab a beer. Gobble up countless hot dogs. Get naked and make every beach a nude beach. I don’t care how you do it, just embrace it. And do it quick; there isn’t must time.
Things to do in Brooklyn on Thursday
Le Sarde Dinner at Archestratus in Greenpoint
So you’ve sworn off dating apps, again, this weekend? Cool. No for real, they’re such a horrible, necessary evil, and everyone needs a break. But put your money where your mouth is and ensure that you won’t be tempted for a little late-night Tinder meet-up by starting your Thursday night at Archestratus for their Le Sarde dinner. What is Le Sarde? It’s a suspiciously fishy blend of sardines and anchovies and pasta and a guarantee that no first-date, get-to-know-you conversations will be had later. And you’ll seem like an honest friend. (also, it’s fucking delicious and your satisfaction will be way guaranteed than with what’s-his-name) Two seatings, 6:30 and 8:30pm. Tickets here. 160 Huron St.
Easy Listening Comedy Night at Bodeguita Bar in Bushwick
The number of comedy shows in this city on a nightly basis is almost laughable. But what else do you expect from a city of 8.6 million people and the endless ability to observe daily occurences that are pure comic gold when retold properly on a small stage somewhere? Let me help you navigate those uncharted waters of tiny stages and nearly guarantee your trip will be worth a laugh. Bodeguita in Bushwick hosts some of the best comedy in the city every Thursday, and this week will be no exception. Oh, and they also have a charming rooftop and damn impressive cocktail list so when you get that “I think I can do standup too!” post-show energy, there will be a boozed-up audience waiting for you. The laughs start at 9pm. Info here. 6 Suydam St.
Scream, Entirely from Memory, at Littlefield in Gowanus
I have tried very aggresively to remove the movie Scream from my memory. The only thing I remember very vividly is trying to shamefully hide the actual terror the film evoked while sitting beside my “cool” middle school friends. Whatever. Come see how much everyone else remembers, on stage, at Littlefield this Thursday night. A group of improv actors watched the film together a week ago (maybe for the first time…) and will recite it, from memory, on stage. Sound strange? Go anyway, because everything Ten Bones Theatre Company touches is gold. And also funny. Doors at 7:30, show at 8pm. Tickets and info here. 635 Sackett St.
Things to do in Brooklyn on Friday
Grand Street Restaurant Week 2019
Competing for a table in Manhattan during restaurant week only to experience a few unenthusiastic plates from a less thrilled server is something we all learn not to do after our first year here in the city. (Take that, Flex Mussels!) But diving into this micro-neighborhood’s bi-annual dinner celebration is something you must learn to do. It’s Grand Street Restaurant Week, and it’s where you will be eating all of your meals this weekend. Make a reservation through one of these fine establishments, and see you there.
Summer Exotica at the Sultan Room in Bushwick
Mmmmm, so you’re getting that sinking feeling that your summer has been low on the exotica and erotica and a little too heavy on the sitting-in-desk-chair-realitica? Fix that this Friday night with Summer Exotica in the Sultan Room, which is the very exotic and seductive venue above the Turk’s Inn in Bushwick. Which is a place you didn’t know about before I told you about it. K? This Surf Party welcomes Frank LoCrasto, Morricone Youth, and Ryan Scott and you and all of your friends too. Trust me, this will satisfy all of your exotic summertime desires, plus that craving for kebab you can’t seem to satisfy, at least for the night. Tickets and info here. 234 Starr St.
Venus of Dance Burlesque in Coney Island
If you know of a better place in the city to strip down and get weird than Coney Island, let me know. (For real, DM me. I wanna know.) But until further notice, come to this funky, kitschy little beachy dream of a neighborhood for their performance of Venus of Dance- a coming-of-age tale of a young Burlesque dancer and all of the trials and titilations that come her way. Oh yeah, and there will be beaching and hot dogs available both before and after, and always. See here. Tickets and info over here. Show starts at 10pm. 1208 Surf Ave.
Zero Space in Midtown Manhattan, and also another dimension
I just have a feeling this is a secret door that will lead you to the Rose Mansion. Or, Greyhound is finally coming up with a better marketing campaign. “A portal to another dimension has appeared in New York City, near Port Authority Bus Terminal. Are you brave enough to see what’s on the other side?” Shame on you, Zero Space, if it’s the former, and way to go Greyhound if it’s the latter. All I know is that this seems trippy and not just built for Instagram, and it is by far your best #reasontocrosstheriver this weekend. Tickets available here. Go anytime, and stay forever, apparently, if you want. (One quick note: from my research, it does not appear to end in a ball pit. So. Be prepared not to be in a ball pit in the end.)
Join the Makeout Club on the Roof of Our Wicked Lady in Bushwick
Go see makeout club perform on my favorite rooftop to makeout upon, this Friday night. For real. Our Wicked Lady’s rooftop may or may not be where me and my lover shared our first kiss (hint: it is) and Makeout Party will be playing alongside Hnry Flwr (#fuckvowels) and Eden Sela to set the mood and get you shaking those hips and locking those lips and sinking those ships… or, whatever happens next I suppose. Tickets and info here. Don’t party inside. It’s summertime. Party on rooftops. 153 Morgan Ave.
Things to do in Brooklyn on Saturday
Tennis in Technicolor by VICE and FILA in Williamsburg
Maybe the US Open isn’t exactly your thing. But colorful events focused around athleisure where you can bring your dog and drink Peroni and ping-pong with strangers totally is your thing. Well, VICE knows you’re out there (let’s be honest, they know everything). And they’re partnering with FILA to bring you this funky little event to celebrate the designer who first brought color to the court and made tennis noticeably less white back in the 70s. Come, learn, play, eat, pet pooches, pingy-pongy, both Saturday and Sunday. Info here. 85 N 3rd St.
Afropunk Fest at Commodore Barry Park on Flushing Ave in Brooklyn.
OR
The Jazz Age Lawn Party on Governor’s Island
Ah isn’t every weekend in Brooklyn kind of a choose-your-own-adventure experience? Well never has it been more apparent than this Saturday and Sunday, where you can choose your own adventure, destination, experience and surroundings. Both Afropunk Fest and the Jazz Age Lawn Party are happening at Commodore Barry Park and Governors Island, respectably. Get down with dope beats and a funky fresh Brooklyn music fest that has been called the most multicultural festival in the world, or a 1920s-inspired, costumes (basically) required, flashy and flappery lawn party complete with finger sandwiches and muted trumpets and croquet and class class class. Choose your own adventure here for Afropunk Fest and here for jazzy agey and lawny things. See you, you funky fancy son of a bitch, at one place or the other.
MoMA PS1 Summer Warm-Up in LIC
There are only TWO warm-ups left! So that means, go to both. This outdoor summer dance party that aims to uplift and represent unknown artists lets you be part of the performance and magic and mystery, while you jam out this week to The Martinez Brothers (and more!) with all of your best friends and future lovers. Go. Be part of the art. Be part of the scene. Hold onto summer. Hold on to someone. Tickets here. Noon-9pm, 22-25 Jackson Ave. Oh, and go to Bierocracy after and have significant trouble figuring out how to order a drink. The bartender’s name is Zach and he’s there to help!!
Gremlins and Critters by The Living Installation
There is a lot of very serious, and very prestigious art and artists in this town. But there aren’t many anymore who are bold enough, talented enough, and believe in their craft enough to not take it too seriously; to create something that exists in the moment, that is alive and well and truly inimitable. Michael Alan and Jada Cat aren’t afraid to be those artists. Their performances, called The Living Installation, are captivating and palpable and only exist in the moment. This month they team up with Tim “Love” Lee, resident DJ at PS1 Summer Warm-Up and close friend of the duo, to bring you Gremlins and Critters – a performance that will embrace the curious unpredictability of monsters and art. Tickets are available here to see it live in the studio, or tune in to watch it live online. 8pm-midnight.
Cirque Nouveau at House of Yes in Bushwick
Be honest. We all have a bit of Carney inside us. You know, that deep, dark, criminal-on-the-run side of us that comes alive at night and when masked and especially at House of Yes. Come let it all out under the big top this Saturday night at Cirque Nouveau. Let your freak out, get your freak on and party with clowns and contortionists, bearded ladies and men, fortune tellers and people who will tell you things you want to hear just to get you in bed. Free before 11pm with costumes. Info here. 2 Wyckoff Ave.
High Seas Festival at Avant Gardner and the Mirage in Bushwick
Set sail this Saturday from the middle of Bushwick at the High Seas Festival. Yeah, I know. How is that possible? Buy a ticket. Jam out to Washed Out, Goldroom, Manila Killa, RAC and more of your indie faves while basking in the sunlight at Brooklyn’s hottest, and coolest, venue. So there’s no actual ship, but I think you can figure out your own way to set sail. Tickets available here, stay all night for the best Saturday night dance party in town (trust me). Info here. 140 Stewart Ave.
Musical Pagamento at Golden Drum in Greenpoint
It’s a Brooklyn hootenanny! Yeah, I said it. A hootenanny. Which, if you’re unfamiliar, is a term with origin specifically in Appalachia (your girl is from VA) referring to a spontaneous jam session where locals bring their own instruments or sing along to unscripted, uninhibited music. And a hootenanny of sorts is coming right here to Greenpoint. This one, hailing from not Appalachia but Colombia with the Teyuna Mamos who invite you to bring your instruments and share in this ritualistic, cultural explosion of song and dance and reverence for the planet in which we inhabit. Learn why this group who rarely leaves their very specific area of the Sierras is making a point to come and make music among us, and help us feel the devastating importance of taking care of Mother Earth right now. Info here. 6-9pm, 97 Green St.
Silent Disco Yoga at Clinton Hall Rooftop in Williamsburg
Hey. So you know how profoundly dancy everything got in this country during the disco era because people couldn’t help but shake their hips once they heard the funky sound? And also, how about the most magical part of yoga when you hear voices from all walks of like and all abilities of downward dog surround you in a collective OMMMM? And ALSO, isn’t the point of rooftops to stand upon them and shout out “Baby I’m ready to GOOO!” so then why the FUCK would there ever be silent disco yoga on a rooftop? WHY?? I suppose, so I have something to make fun of this week.
Disco is for music, for loudness, for laughing and talking over each other and then making out under each other. It’s about living and breathing and screaming and dancing. It will not be silenced. It will not go quietly. It will not die. So, yeah. There’s a silent disco, with yoga, happening above Clinton Hall. There are tickets available, but there will be no link here for you. There’s a time this event starts, but you won’t find that here either. Clinton Hall has an address. You have a smartphone.
Wondering when I’ll stop making fun of silent discos? Never. I’ll never stop making fun of them. On my tombstone, please put, “She just wanted to be heard at parties.” I’m fine with that. I’M FINE WITH THAT.
Things to do in Brooklyn on Sunday
Battle of Brooklyn Reenactment in Green-Wood Cemetery
Everyday living in Brooklyn feels like a battle against gentrification, a holding tight and spending money at our favorite local haunts so they aren’t shuddered and transformed into Baby Gaps right in front of our eyes. But this isn’t the real Battle of Brooklyn. That one, the very pinnacle one from the Revolutionary War that gave the British control over our fair city and the very important port within it, was the original fight. And it happened 243 years ago, right here. Is 243 an important anniversary? Do numbers really matter when you have the opportunity to observe and commemorate a very important historical fight of neighborhoods and people and cultures upon this very land, in a cemetery in Brooklyn where some of those who fought are buried? NOPE. Go. Go to this reenactment and the surrounding celebrations. Learn something. Keep fighting. (keep loving too, do’) (keep loving Trudeau, too, do’) 10am-2pm. Info here.
Battle of Brooklyn, the Play! at Freddy’s in Park Slope
Plus a play at Freddy’s And after, there will be a revival of a play actually performed by British officers after their victory at the Battle of Brooklyn, portraying the American Revolution as idiotic and possibly a scam… I mean hey, if we can get past all the bullshit happening in politics right now, we can at least all agree that our own Brexit was a good idea, right? Come agree and appreciate how far we’ve come in theater. The play is free. Info here. 3pm at 627 5th Ave.
Tiki Disco at Elsewhere Rooftop in Bushwick
Disco isn’t dead and neither am I and neither are you, and neither are tiki parties or dancing ’til dawn on Sundays at really fucking amazing venues in Bushwick. Case in point, everyone’s favorite party group Tiki Disco and me and you at The Well. They kick off a summertime series that will move you and groove you so long and hard you’ll forget how to complain about the heat. Sunday’s party brings them back to The Well, so you should be there too. Tickets, $10 (such a deal) available here. 2-10pm at Elsewhere. 599 Johnson Ave.
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