was 2016 just a bad dream?
well, maybe. but this is reality now, and it’s ours for the taking. all we have is now baby, so how are we going to spend our now? wallowing in the dredges of our sunken bank accounts? recounting the triumphs and defeats of last year’s augmented roster of lovers? looking in the mirror and trying to find ourselves beneath pallid skin and tired hearts and through eyes clouded by one tee many martoonis?
no. no no no. we are better than that. and actually now that i have you here, i’ve come up with some damn good ideas. whatever your resolutions are, you’ll find momentum to get them going here. or, at least some worthy distractions.
my resolution is to keep you moving, brooklyn. to keep that proverbial fire lit under your ass. so let’s get at it. it’s 2017, and it’s all ours.
THURSDAY
this year i resolve to… turn off the tv and take in more art.
Chroma Key, part of the Exponential Festival at the Brick Theater in Williamsburg.
it kills me when i overhear someone bragging about the shows they binged watched over the weekend. this is new york, home of some of the best talent and most ground-breaking artwork and about-to-be-famous-oh-wait-now-they-are musicians, and you’ve spent 9 hours on a series that you’re “still trying to get in to”?? how about some real entertainment? i mean of the dreamscape variety. of the live exploding humans variety. of the time travel and noir mystery and magical-realism variety, all meticulously woven together into a story that will leave feeling like you dove into a dali painting and somehow you belonged more in that world than this. oh i have your attention? now kindly direct it over to exponential festival’s standout performance, chroma key. by Title:Point productions, this play is a wildly complex adventure through the psyche, packed thick with humor and mystery. it’s playing jan. 5-28th, but see it tonight. or any of the other nights. all info and tickets here. shows are at 575 metropolitan ave at the brick theater
…to cook more and act more british.
Tea Party + Cooking Demo at Little Choc Apothecary, Williamsburg
ah, brexit. well at least there’s another country in the world that feels completely confused about the fate of their nation in 2017. so let’s toast to disenfranchisement and have a little tea party and cooking demo at little choc apothecary in williamsburg. sip house blended tea and nibble on warm finger sandwiches. and the warm fingers of your lover. just because, they’re there for the nibblin’. tickets, $50 along with all other info you need to know is right here. 8-10pm 141 havemeyer st at little choc apothecary – all it’s chocked up to be!™
…to see more live music, especially jazz because then i can say at work on monday “oh yes, i just saw some live jazz” while drinking a scotch and smoking a cigar. indoors. before noon. you fucking sauvage.
NYC Winter Jazz Fest – kicks off tonight! all over the city.
no better way to warm up than with a little jazz and a little whiskey and a little love and a little hate and a little bar fight and a little residual anger. ok i added in those last few bits because this started to feel too cheesy. go see some of these performances, because of course, that is why we live here. all info found here. and if no one in your office wants to hear about it on monday, call me. i want to hear about it.
..to go see more live music, especially indie bands because then i can say at work on monday “yeah i went and saw all these bands that you haven’t heard of because for some reason i got a finance degree and now im stuck speaking with you suits as if you are equals and yeah im wearing a fucking hoodie, my hangover will fade when the stamps on my wrists do. don’t ask anymore questions. drink your kcup brew and get out of my face. do you have any idea how much waste is produced by those things every year? you make me sick. you and the whiskey.”
BADBADNOTGOOD and Dayme Arocena and Lady Wray at Highline Ballroom, on the west side of Manhattan.
this is the perfect show for that very lengthy and detailed resolution you’ve made which by the way man, you gotta chill with that a bit. add that to your list of resolutions. and quit your job. go tonight to see this show because it’s going to be amazing. special thanks to @dellaorrey for the tip! tickets and all info here, show’s at 7pm, so go now. 431 w 16th st.
to finally write that novel book of short stories play poem blog post tweet novel.
Gotham Writers Winter Open House, in the East Village.
it doesn’t matter the perceived magnitude of what you want to create. it’s the process of creation. it’s the intention to create. it’s the practice of creating and it’s the existence of the creation itself. if you’re thinking “wow, did liz sign up for the “plato’s study of creation 101 class?” the answer is no, that class does not exist, i’ve just had some wine and am feeling a bit philosophic. or self-righteous. you decide. ANYWAY listen, these classes are really amazing and their winter open house lets you try one or two for free to see if it’s something you’d like to commit to, then get $30 off if you sign up! meet other writers, do writing exercises, hear writers share their words and share your own. then get out there, brooklyn. let’s hear what you have to say. all info right here. 1450 broadway, 14th floor.
FRIDAY
to make really really bad decisions. and dance, magic, dance.
House of Yes turns ONE! Birthday Extravaganza in Bushwick.
there were a handful of good things that happened this year. namely, every fucking event that this funky-fresh party space in bushwick did. there’s no denying my love for house of yes, and it’s not going to stop anytime soon. come friday night to celebrate, free, with all of the greatest people in brooklyn and all of the best music and all of the best feelings. oh yeah and also 8 of their resident djs spinning fresh beats all night, all your favorite aerialists getting higher than you, go-go dancers being go-get-ers, birthday cake (maybe!), and surprises. all of the surprises. just don’t miss it, mmmk? rsvp here or buy a $15 for guaranteed entry all night because this party will fill up. fast. 2 wyckoff ave at house of yes, where all the best birthdays start with consensual conception.™
…to go to manhattan more.
Chelsea Nights Concert Series at Chelsea Market.
ok, i know, i know. sounds a bit ridiculous, doesn’t it? but this has actually been my resolution, multiple years, before i started working in union square. manhattan is new york, just as we all are. all 4 boroughs (come on… staten island isn’t new york.) and there is so so much to offer, or to capitalize off of, just as they are us. and our fucking waterfront. SO, let’s all partake in this free weekly concert series in chelsea market and show up drunk and stoend in our ripped jeans and dangerous smiles and politely enjoy. #fuckstereotypes this week welcomes caged animals and jesse & forever. all info here, get there at 630 or just before. 75 9th ave at chelsea market. owned by google!™
…to be more spanish.
Three Kings Day Parade in Spanish Harlem.
why would you want to be more spanish? the land of manchego mountains and olive oil rivers and where the rain falls mainly on the plain so you can remain lain on the sandy terrain? home of the worlds greatest futbol club? AND birthplace of this man? if I haven’t convinced you of the enormous pleasures that abound then you are clear a masochist (and not in a fun way). listen we’re all planning our exits, so adopt a new country. start by popping a bottle of cava and heading up to Spanish Harlem to revel in the three kings day parade! live camels. puppets. music. dancing. foods. fun. ¡VIVA! friday, 11am. all info here.
…to laugh more and to spend more time in gowanus.
50 First Jokes at the Bell House, Gowanus.
now in its 11th year, this annual comedy show features some of the best and brightest new york comedians telling the first joke they’ve written in the new year. and as we could all get out there and laugh a bit, and even try to make light, somehow, of our current situation, this fast-paced variety show is a perfect event for the first real weekend of 2017. and it’s at the bell house which always… rings my bell. tickets, $15 available here along with everything else you need to know. doors at 7, shows at 8, 149 7th st at the bell house, just be there with bells on.™
SATURDAY
…to be caught with my pants down. more often and on purpose.
Pants Off Dance Off, House of Yes, Bushwick.
ah this is perfect because it is extremely likely that you will have left your pants in or around house of yes friday night at the big birthday bash. let sleeping pants lie and show everyone that your hips don’t lie saturday night at the pants off dance off, baby. all info and tickets here, 10pm-4am, 2 wyckoff ave. at house of yes, where you don’t have to take your pants off to dance but it would be a whole lot cooler if you did.
…to actively learn about the history and future of city structural relics instead of just bitching about gentrification.
Life of an American Ruin – Closing Reception at City Reliquary Museum in Williamsburgh (h added above so i followed suit.)
this ruin of post modern architecture is a tribute to this city, in a way. the way it was built with so much intention and then left to rot, out in coronoa park, to be the curious feature of will smith end of world films and the source of these films byu —-. open discussion on what should be done with this structure so lets open our minds and our eyes to do more than just bitch about the video rental shop that turned into a vegan burrito cafe that became a mens specialty tie store that now you don’t know what it is because you’ve moved out of that neighborhood. screenings at 6 and 8pm. $5-8, tickets and all info here. 370 metropolitan ave at the city reliquary museum.
SUNDAY
…to reduce my carbon footprint.
Mulchfest Treecycle in Prospect Park!
the holidays are over, and it’s time to get that christmas tree out of there. but don’t just leave it on the sidewalk and tempt young drunk girls to pee on it (i hear they do that. completely absurd and disgusting.) (but fun!) only then for said trees, covered in beer piss, to be buried in snow and then uncovered sometime in april. take them to prospect park (or mccarren!) this weekend for the treecycle and make mulch out of them. all info here. you know where your parks are, dudes. don’t make me put the addresses here. just drag that tree over sunday then attend to your hangover.
actually just to fuck pants all together. fuck ‘em.
The No Pants Subway Ride, all over town.
yep, it’s this weekend. and you know what? i like it. the subway is gross anyway, let’s make it even grosser. and creepier. i don’t know man. plus it’s cold so this really doesn’t make sense and we all feel a . it’s part of improv everywhere, so stop taking yourself so seriously and take your pants off and take the subway. all info here. and a funny video too!
…to see that guitarist liz is always telling me to go see.
Stephane Wrembel plays Barbes in Park Slope.
ah, i love you. i do. i knew it. you’ve been listening! and you’ve finally admitted to yourself that going to see the frenchman turned spanish guitar aficionado who personally wrote the score to vicky christina barcelona and midnight in paris play live in the coziest of backrooms at barbes in park slope, a bar with an impeccable rotating list of beers on tap and a weirdish bathroom sounds like the greatest end to a weekend, ever. well you’ve come along way, baby. now come there with me. his set usually starts around 830ish. bring cash for the pot but entry is free. there are some details here, but just trust me and go. i can’t wait to see you. 376 9th st.
we got this, brooklyn. so long as we stick together.
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